Sleepless in Souda

Greetings,

I come to you with raccoon eyes. Here lately, I have had a few restless nights. Not sure exactly what the uneasiness is, but I have a slight inclination.

I think I have worn my patience with this place. Not necessarily Souda, but with this whole concept…. it is really not me.

I am sure you have seen the decline in actual spiritual reflections in these posts… God and I are at odds right now. I say odds…. I just do not know what else to call it.

I feel like I am floundering here. A fake. A phony. I hope I am not disappointing all our friends here in Greece, but I am really struggling to find my place. What does God what me to do here?

On the surface everything is fine. It is perfectly normal. Days are filled with Chapel / Base functions. Chapel on Sunday. I teach the kids Sunday School class. I even use a Veggie Tales curriculum… I know what you guys in Gritney Baptist are thinking…Kristie with a structured curriculum? (Yes I find curriculum confining at times, but this is working.) We have the Women’s Bible study here at my house on Tuesdays. Chapel again on Wednesday nights. We pay our tithes. Everything is functioning normally.

THE PROBLEM.. I am not normal. Never have been.

This is where God and I are at a stand still. I keep questioning why I feel a void. I keep waiting to hear from Him…and I get nothing. Which translates to me… either
A.) I am doing fine, and am not in urgent need of a Word from Him
B.) I am not in His will and He is waiting for me to submit
a. But submit to what?
C.) I am in some kind of waiting period meanwhile:
a. Developing faith
b. Building character
c. Relying on Him

**For you guys here in Souda... see both Harry and I use these.... point A, B, C, with subsets and more subsets... It's a Souda joke!**

So you can see my dilemma….I have no clue what to do. Do I try to conform to the normalcy or do I do what comes natural to me? The times in my life where I feel am living a fulfilling Christian life are when involved in the "different" kind of ministry. Not a normal one. Not the typical mundane church experience. Please do not feel I am in any way slighting the typical church experience… I know there is a place and a season for everything.

I grew up in church. My parents met in church and have raised us kids there our entire lives. Have I strayed, of course….but the foundational elements have always been there. Maybe that is why I require more.

I like the down and dirty. I like the ministry that happens in foreign lands. At the homeless shelters. In the sewers of Ukraine. In the blazing heat of Africa. At the Israeli Lebanon border. That is what I crave. That's where I feel the presence of God strong in my life. That's where peace fills me. That is where I fell the call on my life.

Regular church services, Sunday school lessons, and Bible studies are amazing opportunities for Christians to fellowship and join together with corporate worship, But I crave more. I have had these things my entire life. And they are no longer enough. I need to apply these fundamental preincipals where my heart and His Spirit directs. And to date it is not in ordinary places.

I write in hopes of not offending my fellow Chapel goers or Women’s Bible study groupies, but in hopes of you guys better understanding me. I struggle with what God has in store for me. Just because I am a Chaplain and Pastor’s wife…. does not mean I no longer struggle with my faith, with a lack of motivation, with a spiritual dryness an emptiness, and that I do not question Him almost daily.

I have had this post and many more…. about 30 unpublished posts... for a while. All questioning what I am doing here in Souda Bay. But something has stopped me from publishing them…. Maybe I felt I did not want you guys to know all the doubts that filter in and out of my head. No one wants to think the Chaplain’s wife is unsettled. Or so I think, but here it is….and maybe I will post some of the others later.

My mother commented on the last post (remember the one on boredom).....

RV momma said...
Find something to do to help other people. Go to the mission in Hania. Volunteer in the school. Take dance lessons. Be a BIG SISTER. Take a pottery class. Buy your momma some rings from 'Everything's a Euro' store. Buy your momma some more pottery from Greece. GET A REAL JOB!!!!!! Think of ways to brighten Harry and Kayne's day.

I knew when I read the comment that my momma knows me. She knows how I like to help other people. If she knows me than so does my Heavenly Father…. He made me ….so I am feeling these things for a reason. Do I know what to do?? No, but I know where to start looking. He always provides.

Blessings to those comfortable with normal,

Kristie