Critiques from the Church Critic

Greetings,


At this point ... I am afraid I am becoming a church critic. 

Today's church experience led me one step closer to becoming a real church critic

and one more church checked off the list of possibilities. 

I am sad to say.

Without further ado... let me explain our last encounter.  And in advance let me ask....please do not think badly of me ... I am not sure what got into me today.

So... we visited a church recommended to us by a friend...

After researching this church online... there are 2 services on Sunday morning 9am and 11:00 am.  Logic tells me 9 am is typically for the older more "mature" / traditional crowd.

The worship service online looked a little contemporary... so to be safe I decided ... maybe we should go at 9:25ish.

Just in time for Meet & Greet. 

Not my favorite time.  I feel it promotes germ exposure. 

And I am NOT a hugger!

Ever... not even during Meet & Greet.  So of course we are hugged by about 10 + people. 

I should explain our surroundings...

Older church converted into a new age rock concert.  It just seemed odd to see old traditional surrounding such as cross lighting, alter, traditional stage, pews, etc... turned a little rock.

By this I mean ... imagine a traditional Southern Baptist Church invaded by a rock band.  Concert equipment hanging from everywhere.  Poking out of every corner.

Okay... so traditional turned rock... Meet & Greet.  Then I notice... harry and I are OVER dressed.  We are the only ones in "church" attire. 

Harry was wearing black slacks, Banana Republic button up shirt.  No tie.  Not even an overcoat.

I am wearing a dress.  Not a fancy stuffy dress.  Not even a suit.  Just a simple Sunday morning dress.

While everyone else was wearing short, t-shirts, jeans... casual.  Very casual.

Not a problem... I just felt we stood out.

During Meet & Greet 2 people told us we looked beautiful.  Very nice folks... I should add, but I felt we were over dressed.

Okay... so we just missed the worship service... led by....

Get this!

The worship leader (who looked 16) was wearing distressed jeans...

flip flops...  

and a t-shirt...

with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it...

Seriously.  I do not know why this should bother me... it just kinda cracked me up.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Worship Leader.

Don't all church es have this?

On to the rest of the service....

This particular service.... was Promote Small Group Sunday.

For those of you not familiar with small groups.. it's where church folks hold smaller more intimate groups at their houses during the week.  It fosters a more intimate closer fellowship within a like group setting.  This is in certain circumstance a very good thing.

I am not a big fan of this.  For a few reasons:  in most cases the group leader is not ordained, license, nor educated.  Kinda like a free agent teaching who knows what??

But HEAR ME NOW (a Harry saying) this is a good thing when there is accountability, leadership, training, and oversight.  It's the free agent thingy that scares me. 

So the entire sermon (if you could call it that) was about promoting their small groups. 

I felt like I was attending an Amway convention. 

A 7 step process how to start, recruit, and foster small groups.  Start a group.  Get an apprentice.  Eventually, one can have their own "community".  Step 6 was become a Pastor.  Step 7   Director.

No where within the graphs... yes there were graphs and charts to go with the sermon / Amway pitch... did they require education or ordination.

This frightens me!

So... for 30 minutes we listened to the pitch.  I took notes.

I kept thinking... why God can we not go to a normal church during a normal Sunday???

At the end of the service... the Pastor show a slide show of the various small groups available for the church.  After the slide show... he invites the Small Group Leaders to the front for introductions.

*** Here's where I ask ... please forgive me in advance!***

As the leaders come forward... the Pastor is "pitching" their group. 

He begins with the Married Peoples small group.  He promotes the leaders as seasoned marrieds.  Capable of teaching how to love each other the way love was intended.  How to get through the hard times.  Understanding the true meaning of love.  Through thick and thin. How to love each other through adversity.  How to grow a deeper kind of love that lasts a life time. 

Then he turns around and points them out.

They look loving into each other's eyes.  Grab each other's hands.

And smile. 


They look to be of the ripe old age of 20. 



I lost it. 

I snickered.  Out loud. 

Then I try to hold it in. 

And start shaking with internal laughter.

Harry starts because I am barely able to contain it.  He has to lean down on his knees and hide his face. 

I know people are looking at us.  But I cannot stop.  The more I try ....the harder it is.  I pray that I can contain myself. 

I am utterly embarrassed.

The Pastor continues down the line of Small group leaders. 

This church has 16 small groups. 

A few down the line from the "Married" group ... the Martial Arts Small Group. 

The Martial Arts group promotes healthy living through the mind, body, and soul. 

Then the pastor turns around and introduces the leader. 


I really LOSE it.  I have no idea what was wrong with me.

The Martial Arts leader, which promotes healthy living.... weighs about 300 pounds. 


I am a horrible person. 

I know this.

Luckily, the Pastor makes a joke about taking this guy on and the entire congregation laughs out loud... thus allowing me to release all that pent up laughter. 


Thankfully, the service was soon over.  The pitch had ended and now it was time to go outside into the foyer and sign up for the various groups at their tables / stations. 

Harry had to go to the bathroom... I refused.  I did not want to stand out front by myself so I made him hold it.  There was a McDonalds down the street.

As we bolt from the front doors.  We get a few feet from the safety of the car.... when the pastor runs us down to shake our hands and introduce himself.

It turns into a 15 minute conversation.... (really sincere, nice man)  in the sweltering parking lot heat.

All while Harry is holding the 5+ cups of coffee.


This is our life.

I am not sure how things like this happen to us all the time.

I am scared to go to church next week.


It might be safer to watch it online. 

 


Blessings,